Terror and Tears
by Nneave
Summary: Eliot finds someone in his home. Series of complete 'episodes' in a bigger story. Leading to E/P. The title was a working title so may change.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first piece of writing since school about 25 years ago (and that was essays on Social History mostly), so please, please, please read and review, especially if you're constructive with comments. I am trying to keep the characters true to their originals as much as possible within the frame of my story but if you have any insights I have missed please share.

Language: I'm English but as Leverage is American I have tried to stick to American English by using US words such as 'closet' not 'wardrobe' but please remember I am not a native US speaker so if you get the odd mix up such as 'tap' instead of 'faucet' or 'trousers' instead of pants (which is underwear here: so think about that when Eliot is sitting around in his pants!) I apologise. Just be glad I didn't use the word fanny... I also struggle a little with Hardison's New York Patois, so please feel free to correct my version of his colloquialisms. Also please be patient with the s/z thing in words like realise/realize, again I've tried to write in American but my fingers and brain think in English English. Thank you x.

_I own nothing except my admiration of the writers, actors and crew of such an amazing series. Long may it reign x_

Eliot pulled up outside his place in the city; he would have preferred to go straight to his house out of town, but this late and more than a little beat up, he couldn't face the drive. He'd stayed later than he'd intended, clearing away after their meal, talking with Nate untill Sophie came and joined them. He'd have stayed at the office if Sophie and Nate weren't being so stupid; he sometimes wondered if they played their game because they were afraid to start something, or because they enjoyed the dance. He took a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds before letting it go, slowly putting the team out of his mind for a while. Time for some down time, I definitely need some R and R, he told himself as he turned the key on his apartment.

Immediately he knew something was wrong. No, not wrong, just; different. Someone was here. Senses alert, he forced himself to relax and act normal. He casually walked through the house, making a full sweep of each room, but coming up empty; until his bedroom. He wasn't sure what gave her away, nothing looked touched, he heard no sound; maybe it was the feint scent of her shampoo he mused as he quietly sat on the bed, his back to the closet he intuitively knew she was hiding in.

"Parker" he said. A statement, not a question. "Why are you here?"

No response. He tried again.

"Parker, are you okay?"

Irritated by the lack of response and the pain of cracked ribs from their latest job, he got up and walked to the closet, slowly opening the doors. He couldn't have said what he was expecting but he knew this wasn't it. Parker was curled up tightly in a ball, her breathing coming fast and ragged, with those huge eyes wide with fear and red with tears staring up at him from the bottom of the closet. Feeling the anger rise at seeing her so hurt but forcing it back - knowing it would only spook her, he knelt down to her level.

"Parker, are you ok?" Stupid question he told himself irritably. Briefly closing his eyes and taking a breath he tried again "I mean, are you hurt?" yes, good, start there he thought. She didn't reply but just stared through him, looking like she was caught in headlights. "Parker, are you injured?"

She blinked twice, seeming to focus on him at last, she shook her head quickly but didn't speak; her whole body tense with fear. Eliot, not sure what to do, sat on the floor beside the closet door, knowing that if he got too close she would run. "Parker, did something happen?" he coaxed, trying to give her a gentle, encouraging smile, hearing the concern in his own voice. Parker was streetwise in so many ways but as vulnerable as a kitten in others. Ever the protector, Eliot wanted her to know she was safe. That he wouldn't let anything happen to her but he knew with Parker's history he would have to handle this carefully. "Parker, you're safe now. Can you tell me what's wrong, did something happen?"

Parker closed her eyes and started to cry, great heart wrenching sobs of anguish that tore at Eliot's heart. He didn't know what was wrong or who had caused this, but he knew someone was going to pay. Not sure how she would react, he couldn't fight the instinct to comfort her. "Oh Darlin', it's ok, I'm going to pick you up and sit you on the bed ok?" When she didn't protest, and helped by looping her arms around his neck, he figured she was okay with the idea, so he scooped her up, realizing she weighed little more than a child. He cradled her as he carried her, setting her on the bed next to him. He held her while she cried, speaking softly, telling her she was safe, that everything would be ok, stroking her hair, hoping it was enough. Eventually Parker calmed, her breathing became more regular, her tears subsided and Eliot sensed she had regained control. Wondering how much he should push, not wanting to frighten her, but needing to know how serious it was, his thoughts were interrupted before he could proceed.

"Thank you." She said as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve as she sat up to face Eliot but couldn't quite look at him. They both started to speak at once, each stopping instantly as they heard the other speak. Parker glanced nervously at Eliot, who smiled gently "You go first Parker." He told her. "Nightmares" she shrugged nonchalantly, as though she hadn't just spent the last hour and a half crying inconsolably. "Most of the time they are ok, but sometimes they get really bad and I'm too frightened to go to sleep".

Eliot frowned, he was relieved it wasn't something more serious but something still bothered him. "But Parker, why the closet. I mean; why MY closet?" After all, it was Parker and the closet thing wasn't that much of a surprise. Parker matched his frown and added a tilt of the head. "Because you make me feel safe" She replied simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I figured if I slept near you I wouldn't have those dreams because you would protect me."

"But it didn't work?" Eliot asked, a part of him disappointed even though both the idea and the feeling made no sense.

"You weren't here" She pointed out accusingly. Eliot smiled at her logic and shyly she smiled back. "Well, I'm here now" He told her, "Why don't you get a few hours sleep and I promise I won't go anywhere till you wake up?" Parker stared at Eliot for a minute, not sure how she felt about the idea. She didn't like needing people, even her team, her family she corrected herself, but the nightmares were bad this time.

"Come on Parker, this is me. You trust me to protect you right?" Parker nodded firmly once. "Then come on, lie down here, I'll grab the couch. If you need me, just holler, ok?" Eliot started to rise off the bed.

"No wait!" Eliot froze looking at Parker with a question in his eyes. "Stay. Please" she whispered so quietly he wasn't sure he heard her at first. Eliot frowned not sure what she was asking. "Please, I won't take up much room and I know the nightmares will come back if you leave. Please..." Her voice breaking as the words trailed off, Eliot's heart broke a little more at the tone of her pleading. He smiled gently, wondering what he thought he was doing, getting into bed with a beautiful woman, who was anything but uncomplicated. Yet, he would do this, because she needed him. She trusted him. Parker, who learnt the hard way not to trust people, believed he could keep her safe even from her own mind. So he stayed. He held her close, stoked her hair till she fell asleep, hugged her and comforted her when she murmured in her sleep, until finally, he too drifted off.

He wasn't surprised the next day when he woke and she was gone. He smiled when he realised he had slept better than he had in a long time. Maybe they both needed something last night. Up and showered, a little over an hour later he was making breakfast for the team when Parker walked in, snatching some toast off Hardison's plate.

"Damn it Girl, where you been, I been tryin' a call ya half the night"

Parker shrugged "I slept with Eliot last night"

The room froze; all eyes moving between Parker and Eliot and back again.

"Damn it Parker!" Eliot said angrily" AT Eliot's, AT Eliot's, not WITH Eliot..." slamming the pan down and muttering under his breath. "...and sleeping is ALL that happened" He added looking pointedly at Hardison.

Parker frowned, looking around, clearly confused "That's what I said; at Eliot's."


	2. Chapter 2

_Apologies for those looking for this unable to find it. I managed to upload Chapter 1 twice, then couldn't do anything because of the half hour delay. I'm technically challenged._

_Authors Notes: The song is by Nickelback and is called 'Trying Not To Love You' from their 'Here and Now' album. Don't watch the video, it's awful and spoils the song, so if anyone clever can do a video thingy with this song and Parker/Eliot I'll give you every penny in my bank account – which is about £1.32 sterling, however it will come with my undying gratitude and admiration x_

_I feel this still needs tweaking but I'm working away for a couple of weeks so I will not be able to add to it and wanted to get it up before I went. I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words for Chapter 1, I'm keen to hear critism too though as I'd like to write professionally when I finally get rid of my kids (love them both really x).  
_

Chapter 2:

Eliot was angry. Angry with the 4 guys who were better than they should have been working for a thug like Anderson; angry with himself for not realizing the forth guy was there until he heard the shot and angry with Parker for not sticking to the plan. Thankfully it had only been a flesh wound, but it stung like hell and added to the broken ribs he felt sore, tired and pissed off. Sitting at the table in his kitchen in just his pants, he swore as he cleaned the bullet graze. It took a few minutes for him to realize she was there, dropping the bandage in surprise, he swore.

"What do you want Parker, 'cause I'm not in the mood right now" He growled at her,

"I came to see if you're ok? To see..." She swallowed hard, "...to see if you needed anything?" She hovered in the kitchen doorway, not sure what to do. She knew for all his gruff he was never really angry with her: but this time was different. This time it was her fault he was hurt and he had a right to be angry. The bruises, the pain, the bullet wound, were all because of her...

"No, I'm fine Parker" he snapped sarcastically, "I've been shot at, beaten up and thrown from a building I shouldn't have been in. I'm more than fine, I'm...I'm, PEACHY" Eliot swore as the surgical tape he was trying to attach got tangled with itself. In frustration he threw it across the room. Seeing Parker flinch he swore at himself this time, forcing the anger to drain from him.

"Parker" He sighed "I'm ok. I'm tired, I'm beat up, but I'm ok. Did you want something or are you just here to watch me suffer?" He tried to make a joke but knew it missed his mark by the guilty look he saw on her face. Wondering why he was looking after her, when he was the one beat up, he decided to distract her. Trying to keep his tone light and managing a half smile he said "Hey, how about giving me a hand with this? I've cleaned it, just got to cover it with a pad but I can't reach easily and I seemed to have lost the tape"

She lips twitched upwards and she nervously retrieved the lost tape from behind the counter. Wordlessly she taped him up, noticing the patchwork of scars across his back. Wondering how many of them were from protecting the team, she began to trace them with her finger, losing herself in thought. Eliot relaxed, he liked the blonde thief, even though he knew she was crazy: he was always a sucker for a sob story and the little he knew of Parker's past it was enough to make anyone cry. He just wished she would keep to plans, but, a little voice in his head whispered, then she wouldn't be Parker. Deliberately breaking that train of thought Eliot stood abruptly. "Thanks Parker, I couldn't have managed easily and you've done a good job." He smiled at her letting her know things were ok between them, but was confused when it only seemed to make her more miserable. She sighed, looked down and started pacing.

"Eliot" she began taking a big breath, "I'm sorry. This was my fault and I know it's your job to protect us, but I put you in extra danger without stopping to think and I'm sorry but when I saw what they were doing in there I just thought about all those kids and what would happen to them and how they would affect them for the rest of their lives and how unfair it was and how no one would help them, except us because that's what we do right" she paused momentarily for breath and to glance at Eliot for confirmation that he understood before continuing "I was just so angry, that I had to do something, I couldn't wait. I should have waited, I should have waited for Nate to make a new plan because that's what he does right, but I couldn't" she stopped suddenly and looked at Eliot, eyes pleading for understanding "I just couldn't wait. And I'm sorry. You got hurt because of me and I'm sorry. It's just, sometimes the crazy takes over..." Tears were standing in her eyes when she spoke next "You're my family Eliot, I can't lose you, I was so scared when I thought you were hurt bad. I..." her voice cracking as she tried to voice her fears "I won't let it happen again; I promise I can't bear to think of not having you look out for us"

Eliot walked towards her enveloping her in his arms "Hey Parker, I'm not going anywhere Darlin'. It wasn't your fault, not really" he told her as he held her close, stoking her back as she cried into his shirt. "None of us knew what was really going on or we wouldn't have sent you in there unprepared" and he realized, he meant it. Parker couldn't help her past and finding herself in the middle of a child smuggling ring must have been traumatic at best. How could he expect her to act except out of instinct?

"You won't leave? You won't leave us?" Parker asked, her eyes wide, her voice quiet and pleading.

"No" Eliot smiled cupping her face in his hands "I'm won't leave you Darlin', you're my family too" and he kissed her on the forehead and they embraced a little longer.

"Good" announced Parker, like a switch had been flicked and all was well with her world again. "Got any cereal?" She asked cheerfully. Eliot snorted and told her if she was hungry she could have a proper meal for a change, Parker pouted but was secretly pleased because he was still doing his job; taking care of her, which meant he still cared about her and that meant he wouldn't leave her: and that was when she understood; she meant her and not the team...

* * *

After that night Parker often came over for dinner and an impromptu cookery lesson while she sat on the counter and watched him. He always looked so relaxed in the kitchen; completely in control, he clearly loved to cook and often stopped what he was doing to ask her to taste something or to tell her about the ingredients or why he was doing things a certain way, such as crushing, not chopping the garlic. She'd always considered food a necessity for survival; although one she had gone without sometimes when she was younger. She didn't understand the savouring of food the way some people did, the nuances of balancing flavours, textures and colours, or the importance of good ingredients but she recognized the energy, enthusiasm and passion Eliot had for food. It fascinated her that he could tell not only the different types of peppers for example, but also where they had been grown, just from the taste. Her biggest concern regarding food had always been whether to add milk or not, so she was flattered that Eliot took the time to share his passion with her and she tried to reciprocate by showing an interest in what he was explaining, letting him teach her how to choose the freshest produce, prepare the ingredients and judge the spices. Eventually with his help and patience she began making meals for them to share, Parker's confidence grew and she started to really enjoy and understand why Eliot loved cooking so much, she could see how proud Eliot was of her, never getting annoyed if she got mixed up, she finally learnt why people made such a fuss about food; her favourite part was always sitting down to eat, with Eliot.

And that is how late one lazy Sunday afternoon; Eliot was leaning casually against the dining table, watching Parker nervously cook a meal she had created from scratch as a thank you to Eliot. He was secretly honoured that she had wanted to do this for him, he loved seeing the joy she now got from food, it was like watching her when she talked about money, but this was something so much better for him; this was something they could share. He watched her chop onions, slice potatoes and weigh ingredients, the way he had taught her over the last few months, smiling because she looked so intent, yet despite her slight nerves she looked so excited. Like so many things she did, once she found the pleasure in it; whether it was jumping off buildings or breaking into bank vaults, she paid attention to the important details, trusted her instincts and gave it her all. She always seemed so alive to Eliot at times like this, so natural, so free and so... so beautiful he realized.

"Eliot, stop that!" she told him, shaking him out of his thoughts.

"Huh? Sorry, what?" Eliot stammered, wondering if she had read his mind.

"Stop watching me. You're making me nervous. Go lay the table, open some wine or put some music on, anything, just stop watching me will you?"

Eliot grinned at her "Yes, ma'am" he drawled and went to do as he was bid. Having switched the stereo on he started to open the wine, but couldn't help it when his eyes were drawn back to Parker. She is beautiful he thought, sure not always conventional and sometimes you had to hide the cutlery but life would never be dull with a woman like Parker. Leaving the wine to breathe he started laying the table, singing along to the music quietly to himself:

'_You call to me, and I fall at your feet  
How could anyone ask for more?  
And our time apart, like knives in my heart  
How could anyone ask for more?_

Having put the cutlery and napkins out and handing Parker a glass of wine with an encouraging smile, he decided on impulse to light a fire, after all it got a little chilly in the evenings. Wondering if candles were overkill for a meal between friends, he decided that if Parker was going to go to this much effort, then he should too.

"Hey sing up Sparky, can't hear you from here," Parker called from the kitchen. She loved to hear Eliot sing but had never worked up the courage to ask him before; this gave her the perfect opportunity for a private performance. He grinned at her, all his favourite things: food; music and a beautiful woman. Man tonight was his lucky night: whoa, where had that thought come from? He certainly hadn't meant that! Not like that! After all, this was still Parker and she was... family. She was like a sister to him – wasn't she? And there was the whole, her and Hardison thing going on.

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven't found it yet  
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to'_

"Still can't hear you bud" she told him pointedly, breaking through his thoughts. Eliot smiled at her raising his voice so she could her, registering for the first time the lyrics of the song.

_'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far  
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart  
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor  
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for'_

_And finally Eliot understood the meaning of the words as he sang them for Parker:_

'Cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Parker knew she was different; sometimes people thought she was weird, sometimes they thought she was crazy, sometimes she even scared people: but that didn't matter anymore because she had found a home; a place where she was safe, where she could trust people and be herself without people freaking out or calling the police; or the local psychiatric hospital! She had learnt a lot about passing for normal with their help: especially Sophie's; she was the one that coached her when they had a job and talked her through things, helped her understand those everyday norms and graces that most people learnt growing up without even realizing it. But Eliot was different – oh he told her she was crazy and that there was something wrong with her, but she always knew he understood, and that it didn't matter how abnormal she was. He once told her they were both different and that it made them special, gave them an edge in a way that other people couldn't understand, he made her see she wasn't the only one, and made her feel like she wasn't crazy for not knowing societies secret codes. He was her anchor to reality – no, not anchor; anchors held you down and he wouldn't do that: he would keep her safe, catch her if she fell, but he wouldn't clip her wings. He was her wind marker; he helped her see things, understand things, he guided her, gently taught her, but let her keep control, gave her space and encouragement when she needed it: he was her friend.

She wasn't sure what exactly had changed or even when it had changed; she just knew it felt different between them. Eliot still made time for her, watched her when he thought no-one was looking, helped her understand stuff she didn't get, like talking about normal stuff rather than about stealing or safe cracking or freefalling; but still it felt different between them, like he was pushing her away. Parker wasn't sure why she was so upset, after all they weren't really family, not that being family by blood would mean anything either, but somehow she thought this family would be different; that he would be different. He once told her she was his family too, that he wouldn't leave her, but she knew he was pulling away, and in her experience that could only mean one thing: he was preparing to leave them; to leave her. On impulse she went looking for him, desperate to understand what was wrong, to understand what she had done wrong so she could apologize and fix things before it was too late; before she lost him.

She found him in the gym pounding on a punch bag: uppercut; cross; jab, again: uppercut; cross; jab, repeated again and again, then without warning the pattern would change. He looked completely focused and in control as he beat a rhythm on the bag; his feet always moving, his eyes intent of his prey. Parker hung back and watched him and was reminded of a cat; which made her smile because she knew he would think it too girly; cats were lithe, athletic, and playful; far too feminine for Eliot's ego. He once referred to himself as a wolf and she had to admit it did fit him: wolves are noble, strong and loyal, they mate for life and would defend the pack whatever the cost. He was like that, she thought; he defended them no matter what the cost to himself: physically; mentally or emotionally.

Eliot finished his session and started stretching out his muscles, running through a series of Tai Chi exercises, and although the control and power were still evident and his movements were still precise, they were now flowing gently like a dance, disguising the violence he was capable of. He cleared his mind and concentrated on his breathing. This was his favourite time; here he wasn't a hitter (a term he hated, he was no mindless street thug), here, he was master of himself; his anger was in control, his thoughts were his own; no interruptions, no distractions, here was the only place he felt free from the memories, the guilt and the shame that haunted his dreams: of a time before this team, when he had done things he knew to be wrong: maybe at first some of those jobs had been necessary despite the collateral damage, and he had done them for the greater good if you believed in such things, but somehow those lines had got blurred until he no longer knew himself, no longer wanted to recognize the man he had become was the same green horn boy he once was.

Finishing up Eliot headed for the shower, allowing the hot water and steam to ease his aching muscles, his training sessions emptied his mind, but this was the time when those thoughts he stored away in his mental safe would escape and taunt him. Here he would think of the faces of the people he had killed and the faces of the ones he couldn't save and of the things he would never forget. He would think of his mistakes; of his regrets and he would think of Parker: he knew he was losing this battle, that a time would come when he would have to make a decision about his future with the team, but for now he allowed himself these few brief moments to think of her and what could have been. He didn't know when his fondness for the blonde thief had grown into more, but he knew it had, and despite his best efforts he couldn't stop thinking about her, watching her, hoping to see that smile that that would light up her eyes as it spread across her lips. He knew the day he had found her crying in his closet that he cared too much, he told himself it was ok, that he was just caring for a member of his unorthodox family, but deep down he knew differently, and now he was finding it harder and harder to treat her like a baby sister when all he wanted to do was show her his heart, show her how beautiful she was, and how amazing and frustrating and... Eliot sighed, this wasn't helping. He turned off the water and wrung out his hair, stepping out of the shower he grabbed a towel off the rack, he started rubbing himself vigorously, angry with himself for his lack of self control.

"Hey Eliot"

"Parker! What the hell?" He spun around to see Parker perched on the counter next to the basin as he held the towel firmly in place, swearing under his breath.

"Parker! What the hell are you doing in here?"

Parker frowned, not sure why he was annoyed "Well I was wondering if I could come over for dinner tonight, we haven't done that for a while and I thought that if you didn't have plans you could show me that chicken dish you made for us all on the Anderson job...?

Eliot didn't say anything at first, truth was she'd caught him at his most vulnerable and he didn't mean naked: he'd been thinking of her, dreaming of holding her, of building a life with her and all the time she'd been sitting there watching him through the shower. Eliot was comfortable with his body, he'd had enough experience of locker rooms and of women to know he looked good naked, but knowing she was so close while he was contemplating... He sighed inwardly, knowing he had to put an end to this now before it went too far.

"No Parker, I can't, I'm sorry." You have no idea how sorry I am, he thought.

"Oh, okay," she tried to smile, though clearly disappointed, "maybe tomorrow night?"

"No parker, I'm sorry, but I think it's best if maybe we just have a little space for a while, you know? I'm kinda busy at the moment and, you know you and Hardison have your thing going on... I'm just a little busy right now" he finished lamely, repeating himself when he couldn't think of a reasonable excuse.

Her face told him she heard the lie, though she nodded despite the tears filling her eyes.

"Eliot? Are we ok? Are you mad at me, did I do something wrong?" her voice faltering as she looked up into his eyes.

"Parker, we're fine," he tried to smile for her "but things are changing and I know it's hard but you should be spending time with Hardison, not a grizzly bear with a sore head like me".

"But Eliot, I don't understand" her voice quiet, "Why?" She pleaded as her voice finally gave way to tears; Eliot closed his eyes and took a steadying breath, trying to find the words: by the time he opened his eyes to try and answer her, she had fled.

Eliot stood unable to move, fighting himself with all his will power not to chase after her and beg her to understand and not hate him for breaking her trust by wanting more. If this was any other woman it would be so much easier, but he knew Parker was different, not just because she was special to him but because she was broken: normal rules didn't apply to Parker and he wouldn't risk hurting her, of adding to her emotional scars and causing her more pain; with everything he had done, all the things that kept him awake at night, the faces he saw, the screams he still heard: that was the one line he would not cross. Parker was innocent in so many ways and she deserved better, someone with her history, her goodness and her vulnerability needed someone better than him and he would not risk destroying her; no matter what the cost to him.

Twenty minutes later, as Eliot headed back through the gym towards the offices he was aware of Hardison coming towards him and mumbled a greeting without looking up; he was too lost in thoughts of Parker to see it coming. SMACK!

"What the hell Hardison!" Eliot growled as he recovered from the punch, dropping automatically into a fighting stance, he glared hard at the younger man.

"You're a Jackass Eliot, you know that?" Hardison almost shouted.

"A jackass? I'm a jackass?" Eliot snarled "Hardison I oughta kill you for that, what the hell?"

"Oh you could kill me, but not before I tell you what a complete and total... jackass you are. Yeah, I mean man, what is _wrong_ with you man?"

"Hardison, either you start making sense _real_ fast or I'm gonna start removing limbs, you hear me" Eliot snarled at him as he tenderly felt his jaw with his fingers.

"Oh, like you don't know! Man, that's beneath even you."

Eliot glared at his friend "Hardison, I'm warning you for the last time start making..."

Parker! I'm talking about Parker" Hardison interrupted "How could you treat her like that, knowing what she's been through, she's not a toy to be played with then put down when you're bored Eliot, she's a person, a damn fine person who deserves better, you just..."

"Hardison," Eliot stepped closer to the young man, threateningly quiet, "you don't know what you're talking about; back off." Eliot hissed and turned to walk away but Hardison wouldn't quit.

"Don't know what I'm talking about? I just saw Parker high tail it outta here like her life depended on it, what the hell did you say to her? Can't you see how she feels about you man? I thought you were better than that!"

Eliot mouth twitched as he tried to control his anger "I'm doing what needs to be done, Hardison. I'm not the person she needs and the sooner she realizes that the better."

"Oh get over yourself, so you did some bad stuff, so what? You think that matters to her? You think she cares that you're not perfect? Stop playing the martyr for a minute and think about her will ya."

"I am thinking of her Hardison, if I wasn't, I'd be with her already; but I'm not..." Eliot paused, lowering his voice so the younger man could only just hear, "I'm not good enough, I don't deserve her; I can't be what she needs; I can't..." Eliot trailed off as his voice faltered and he swallowed hard.

Hardison spoke calmly for the first time, "well that's the first thing you've said that makes sense." He shook his head, "Look man, she made her choice and that's what matters, that's ALL that matters." Hardison's anger faded as he finally understood the actions of the older man. "You think this is easy for me?" Hardison asked him, "You know I've been crazy for that girl since I met her, but she picked you man, and I'm big enough to know that what she wants comes first.

Eliot didn't answer; he just stared at Hardison, his lips still twitching as he struggled with the words and emotions.

"Eliot, we both know Parker is different." Hardison told him, "She's only just learnt to trust people, to accept that they care for her and to care for them, you think she knows how to deal with love?"

Eliot snorted and started to disagree but Hardison shot him down, "yes Eliot love: Parker loves you man, though God knows why" He shook his head briefly and said "are you so blind that you can't see how she feels, 'cus I aint so blind I can't see how _you_ feel."

Eliot looked at Hardison, his expression oddly vulnerable, "I don't know if I can be that man Hardison, not now, not after everything I've done; what if I mess it up, what if I hurt her, I can't..."

"Just don't," Hardison told him, his eyes wide and nostrils flaring as he tried for a hard look, "Eliot, just don't; or _I,_ willhave to kill _you_!"

Eliot's smiled at that, but when Hardison put his hand out, Eliot shook it and hugged his friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Eliot finally pulled up outside his apartment about 3am; he'd been out the whole night, trying to find Parker after she took off from the gym, but with no luck. He'd have stayed at the office right through the night but Nate made it clear his constant pacing, snarling at Hardison for not being able to track her and his anger coming clearly over the comm's when his search of her home and favourite haunts came up empty, were making it impossible for anyone to concentrate. When Nate finally ordered him to go home and wait until he heard from them. He agreed, although only with the intention of going home to change before he went out looking for her again. His biggest fear was that she had skipped town; he wouldn't blame her but he couldn't give up the search, not yet.

When he got to her 'apartment' he had found bunny still there on her bed; it had given him hope as he knew it was the only possession that had stayed with her from childhood and he hoped - he prayed that because it was still here, she was still here too. He knew it was selfish, but he'd taken it from the bed, hoping that without it, she wouldn't run or at least not without trying to steal it back. He took a deep breath as he turned the key in the door, steadying himself, telling himself he would find her and make things right, that it would all end happily, even though he didn't know if he believed it.

Immediately he knew someone was there: he knew it could be an ambush, he'd made enough enemies in his time to know one day they might, would, come for him; and a part of him wanted that tonight, he wanted to hit someone, to take his pain, frustration and anger out on someone, to lose himself in the violence, but the part of him that was still that young man from the small town, who believed in forever: he wanted; needed it, to be Parker.

Years of training and discipline took over automatically, and without realizing it, he started sweeping the rooms as casually as he could, but he found no one until his bedroom; and that was when he knew it was her. He sat on the bed, with his back to the closet she was hiding in, deliberately not looking at her, too afraid she would run, as he searched for the words to fix the hurt between them.

"Parker, can we talk?" Eliot tried gently, unsure where else to start.

No response, he tried again.

"Parker, please, we need to talk, I need to tell you... that I was wrong... about, so much...I..." Eliot faltered, he'd had such a driving need to find her, he hadn't thought about what happened next, about what he wanted to say or how he was going to say it. He just knew he didn't want to pretend anymore.

Not sure what else to do he slowly went over to the closet and opened the doors; for a minute he was reminded of that night, so many months ago when she had lay curled up at the bottom of the closet because of her own demons; but this time he knew the tears that stood in those big, beautiful blue eyes were because of him, this time, the anger he felt at seeing her so hurt could only be aimed at himself and the guilt of knowing that he had hurt her would stay with him, he only hoped she could forgive him. He wanted to fix this, make her understand how he felt about her; tell her he loved her and make her see he would never do anything to hurt her again.

"Parker," he began as he sat on the floor beside the closet, "I'm sorry darlin', I know I didn't handle things very well today. It's just that..." he stopped, trying to find the words, "sometimes we do what we think is best for others but we forget that others have a say in it too?" He told her hoping she'd understand.

Parker didn't respond; she just stared at him, her expression full of pain; she looked lost to Eliot, like a child whose world has been shaken to the core.

"Parker, I messed up; but I need you to know how much you mean to me."

She stared at Eliot, a slight frown of confusion on her face. "Can we talk properly, you know, out of the closet. It's kind of difficult enough without the distractions of that awful Hawaiian shirt I got last Christmas."

Her lips twitched up and after a moment, and with a moment's pause she put her arms out for him to carry her, as a small child looking for comfort would reach for her parent. He lifted her up and holding her close to him, he gently carried her to the bed. Sitting close to her but not touching for fear of her reaction, Parker didn't look at him. Eliot took a deep breath:

"The truth is Parker, I love you, and maybe that scares me a little."

Parker frowned, she'd never seen him scared of anything, hadn't thought he could be scared of anything, certainly not her.

"I've only been in love once before and well; I messed it up and I hurt her, you understand? I didn't want to, but I did. I'm..."

He stopped again struggling to find the words.

"You remember I once said we were different? Well my life is complicated Parker, so I stopped looking for love because I knew the person I've become, the life that I lead; I'm never going to be able to live a 9 – 5, 2 kids, a dog and a station wagon kind of life you know? I mean, how do I explain to a woman, what I do? Who I am? Or worse what I've done?

Parker sniffed as she wiped her eyes and looked at him for the first time.

Parker what I'm trying to say is: I love you. I didn't want to love you, what I mean is; I didn't want to love anyone. Parker, it makes me vulnerable. Someone I love is someone who can be used against me, someone that bad people I've taken down can come and hurt. I've distanced myself from that over the years and I thought I would always be alone and that is why this odd family is so important to me because for now at least, I'm not alone... his voice trailed off as the thoughts were drowned by emotion.

"Like me?" Parker asked in a small voice, Eliot frowned not sure what she meant

"You're like me" Parker sounded more sure now, "Sophie told me I distanced myself from people when I was younger, to protect myself, and that was why I struggle with people now. You're like me, but you distanced yourself from love."

Eliot wasn't sure if this was going his way or not but at least she was talking, that was a good sign. Wasn't it?

"It's my job to protect you Parker, it's what I do, it's how I pay back for all the hurt I've caused, all the bad things I've done. I take the punches, the beatings because it's my punishment, I deserve it. It's how I live with myself"

"Stuff like with Moreau?"

"Yes, like with Moreau. Maybe it's stupid but it's like a penance. I have to undo some of the harm I did back then. It's why what we do is so important to me, but more than that, I protect my team because you are good people who help those who can't help themselves. Parker I would give my life for you, for any of you because you are all better than me".

He shifted unconsciously echoing his self consciousness as he tried to get through what he needed to share.

"If I was scared of people I care for getting hurt because of my past, Parker I'm _terrified _of them getting hurt because of who I am now. If I mess this up Parker, if I hurt you...I'm lost. There is no coming back from that and I..."

Parker smiled at him and took his hand in hers. "I understand Eliot. I was scared too. First of being part of a team; of trusting people, depending on them, but I learned that teams are better, families are better, stronger. I remembered what Nate said on that first job about we each know what we can do, but he knows what we can all do, and how it makes us stronger, better if we are together."

Sometimes I forget how smart you are Parker.

You're right Eliot, maybe I do need protecting sometimes, but not from you. I have worked so hard to become more normal – not to change but because I want what other people have Eliot. I want the chance of a family, the chance of being a soccer mom and maybe even of being a golf widow"

They both smiled at the thought of Eliot taking up golf.

"I know better than anyone that there are no guarantees with families and relationships Eliot, but I want that chance, I want that chance with someone who has seen me at my craziest, someone who isn't scared or weirded out when I get something wrong, someone I know I can trust to catch me if I fall. I want that chance with you Eliot and I will take the consequences because Sophie and Nate and Hardison and you have taught me that I can care for people, let people in and trust people Eliot. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but I love you and I want to take that risk with you."

"So, you love me too?"

"Maybe, but only if you give me Bunny back" She told him with mock sternness. He grinned at her and took bunny out of his pocket, placing a kiss on the raggedy stuffed toys nose before he gave it to her. She grinned and reached out for the toy before placing it on the nightstand.

"I love you Eliot Spencer," she told him as she leaned forward and put her hand on his cheek. "Now kiss me before I change my mind."

"Yes Ma'am," He drawled as he realised he was a lost cause because she had him wrapped around her little finger, somewhere a voice in his brain a little voice told him he didn't care.

Tenderly he kissed her, gently and almost reverently. There would be time for fire and passion between them, for the heat that had built over months to erupt, but tonight was time for healing, and the coming together of two souls who needed each other, to heal a past neither one had really let go off. Maybe they would make it maybe they wouldn't, but for now it was enough being together.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 - Epilogue

Since starting this fic my life has just about fallen apart: lost my mum; left my husband; became homeless; went into hiding with children from husband till police could sort things; had to leave my job and became a carer for my dad – and that is just the highlights! So I'm sorry for the late updates, the frustrating thing is I had it almost finished but had to re-write as computer died.

I do intend to take this fic down and polish, but it will be to tidy up the grammar and punctuation rather than change the story so you may not notice if you've not read it for a while and come back to it, however the name will change because I hate this name – PLEASE make suggestions as I can't do titles.

I had the pleasure of seeing Christian Kane perform in Birmingham, UK in November 2012 and he sang the song below, 'Happy Man', which I believe he wrote although it's possibly better known when performed by ... The comment about 3 ways to kill someone was his, not mine.

Lastly thank you all for your kindness, I really appreciate it and will be back writing fics when I get more time as I really enjoy it.

Many years later...

Sophie sat sipping champagne on the morning of her wedding, as Parker arranged her hair for her. It was a beautiful spring morning, warm but not muggy and just a slight, fresh, breeze coming across from the East. Parker loved this view from the guest bedroom of the home she shared with Eliot. Sometimes when he was away she would sleep in here as their room always seemed so big without him.

"...but he's just so frustrating. I don't understand why he's so stubborn sometimes." The younger woman complained.

"He's a man; men are different. They get so focused on one thing sometimes they lose sight of what's important. He loves you and you love him, this is just a stupid fight and soon you'll be laughing about it", the older woman told her reassuringly.

"But what if we can't, what if we..."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes but..."

"No buts, if you love him, you will work it out. I promise. Look at me" she told her as she gently turned her so they were face to face, "today is a big day, for all of us. Nerves are getting to you, that's all. I promise."

Parker gave Sophie a big smile and they embraced, just as the door burst open and the bridesmaids bustled in all excitement and energy. It was all too much for Parker so she slipped out into the hallway, catching Eliot's eye as he carried more gifts to the drawing room.

"How's our girl doing?" Eliot asked nervously. Parker smiled, she'd never seen Eliot so on edge before.

"All good" she nodded as she started to head out to take care of the million and one details she still had to see to.

"Parker," Eliot called as she headed out of the French doors "listen I just wanted to say..."

Parker stopped and turned back towards him questioningly.

"What?" she asked as he seemed to clam up

"Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter, I mean it does matter; but it will wait." He smiled at her but she sensed there was more to it. However in the middle of Sophie's wedding she didn't have time to drag it out him, so she put it out of her mind as she went to check on the flowers and the food and the photographer and...

A few hours later Parker stood with tears in her eyes as she watched Sophie marry Stephen. He was a good man, everyone like him, and he adored Sophie. She'd met him through mutual friends a few years ago and they just clicked, sometimes you can just tell when it's meant to be. Which made her think of her and Eliot, she looked over to him and realized he was already watching her, smiling. Briefly she wondered what he had wanted to tell her earlier but as the happy couple were announced to be husband and wife all other thoughts were lost.

Later that evening as Parker got ready for bed, Eliot came in from checking on the horse; they employed enough people on the ranch, all of whom knew what they were doing but still Eliot wouldn't sleep until he'd done his rounds. Tonight however, he came in with his guitar slung around his neck, which made Parker wonder as it was his favourite guitar and it normally lived in the recording studio out the back. Parker frowned an unspoken question at him, and he grinned back as he dug out a pick, and started to sing:

_Well throw me under the train,  
Tie me down to the track,  
Let them big ole' wheels roll right over my back,  
I'll have a smile on my face  
All the way to the promise land._

Well toss me out of the plane,  
Watch me fall to the ground,  
No I don't care  
If my body ever gets found,  
The way you're lovin' me baby,  
I can die a happy man.

Now that I've tasted all your squeezin' and a touchin'

_Baby there ain't nothing I'd miss.  
There ain't no reason now for me to go on living  
Only heaven could be better than this._

So stuff me into a barrel,  
Lock some chains on my hands,  
Take me down to the river  
And send me over the dam,  
The way you're lovin' me baby,  
I can die a happy man.  
"Yes I can"

Now that I've had a little shot of your affection  
I can't imagine nothing I'd miss.  
There ain't no reason now for me to go on living  
Only heaven could be better than this.

So throw me under the train,  
Tie me down to the track,  
Let them big ole' wheels roll right over my back,  
The way you're lovin' me baby,  
I can die a happy man.

Oh, yeah,  
The way you're lovin' me baby,  
I can die a happy man.

As he finished Parker walked towards him as he took off the guitar, she smiled tenderly at him, "Only you could write a love song that involves three different ways to kill someone" she told him, as she put her arms around his neck.

Eliot smiled back as he pulled his wife into a kiss before leaning back to look in her eyes. "I've been trying to tell you how happy you've made me and I couldn't think of a better way. Watching our daughter get married today, seeing how happy she is, how perfect she is...I'm so proud of her Parker, and her brother, but more than that: I'm proud of you. You don't know how grateful I am to have you in my life, and I need you to know how much I love you. You amaze me, dazzle me, you gave me a life that I never thought I could have Parker, and I love you so, so much that it hurts sometimes."

"We did good Eliot, we did good together; you and I, stronger as a team remember? " She asked him as she touched her hand to his cheek, looking into his eyes. "Now, it's all very well telling me you love me, but I think you should show me..." she told him glancing meaningfully at the bed.

Eliot grinned, "Yes ma'am" he drawled before carrying her to their bed and kissing her.

Somehow Parker and Eliot both knew their relationship would make it.

The End


End file.
